September 11, 2008

44-12, or "The Only Thing Worthwhile About This Night Was Getting to Drown My Sorrows in Cinnamon Oreo Ice Cream"

Dear Scarlet Knights,

Tonight could have been grand.  

There was a delightful autumnal breeze blowing through the stadium.  The fans were waving their white towels enthusiastically for the ESPN cameras.  Rut was nowhere to be seen, and for the first time in ages I could lean back against the bench without the fear that Rut's massive hairy flip-flopped claws would be caressing my ear.  

Last week was a bummer, but this week, we're gonna get 'em!  We've got this in the bag!  Look at UNC.  Look at those wimpy powder blue and white uniforms.  What kind of colors are those for a FOOTBALL TEAM?  Look at all this red.  Look at our white towels.  Listen to our chants.  You can't touch this.

But, oh wait.

UNC DID touch this.  And not only touch this, UNC intercepted and touchdowned and mutilated this.

Teel, did you not hear Rut's pearls of wisdom last week?  Did you not hear his ear-splitting shouts to STOP THROWING MEATBALLS?  Maybe you did hear him.  Maybe you misunderstood and thought that we wanted you to throw to the OTHER team.  That is incorrect.  We would like you to throw to OUR players.  Let's keep that in mind for next time.

Underwood, I like you.  You're a good little player.  You are also easy on the eyes.  You can catch the ball.  I like that.  Keep it up.  Do it more often.  Catch it, and then run.  Run fast.  You gave us a bit of a fright in the beginning of the game when one of those nasty powder blue puffballs took you down and you stayed there.  For quite some time.   I'm glad you got up and seem to be ok.  Get a good night's sleep tonight.

Britt, I like you too.  You also like to catch and run.  You too are quite delish.

Robinson, I'm sorry, but I miss Ray Rice.

Jabu Lovelace, I have always liked you based solely on your name.  How can you not like someone with a name like that?  You seem to have spunk.  You're a wily little quarterback.  I think they should let you throw the ball every once in a while.  I'm over Teel.

Te, I'm feeling better about you.  Last week you made me nervous.  Some of those attempts were slightly terrifying.  Better this week.  If only the rest of the team gave you more chances to actually put the ball through the goal posts.

Everyone else, or, to make it simpler, let's just go with "everyone" - let's start LOOKING at our quarterback when he's about to throw the ball.  #3, whoever you are, you should NOT be making googly eyes at a UNC player when Teel is attempting to throw you a pass.  Look at the BALL.  

This also goes for when the OTHER team's quarterback is about to throw the ball.  Block the bejeezus out of those powder blue pansies but also watch the ball so that maybe, just maybe, YOU can catch it.  That is called an interception.  That is something that UNC did FOUR times tonight.  We did it zero times.  Take note for next time.

So, please Scarlet Knights, let's get it together for next week.  J has already spiraled into a weekend-long depression.  Save me from angry emotional ice cream eating.  Please.  Let's start winning.


NOTE:  The views expressed in this post are solely those of an angry amateur football fan.  J is probably working himself into a tizzy as he reads the oversimplified inaccuracies of this post.  Sorry, but I'm peeved and I have a blog and the rest of the Internet must now suffer.


Anonymous said...

J's thoughts:

1. Hey Mike Teel, stop staring down your #1 option on every play, there are other guys out there and some of them just might be open. If 3 guys are covering the first receiver you lock eyes with, that means someone else is all alone...just a thought.

2. Hey Schiano, maybe I was right all along when I was muttering under my breath for them to fire you several years ago. Your play calling is uninspired on both sides of the ball. Maybe try letting Robinson and Young bounce it to the outside instead of running straight up the middle.

3. McCourty Twins: The human neck has evolved significantly over many thousands of years. Try looking over your shoulder to find the ball instead of running in a straight line until the whistle blows with no regard for what is happening around you.

4. Note to Defense: There's this thing called play action. (I explained this concept to Kathryn tonight, maybe I need to stop by the locker room to explain it to the players as well?) Sometimes the offense will try to trick you by pretending to run the ball, and then they pass the ball. This seems to be a difficult concept for you. Defensive backs- if your man is taking off up field like his pants are on fire, you MIGHT want to consider sticking with him. He just MIGHT be trying to tell you something.

5. Another note to the defense: STOP OVER-PURSUING!! Every time they ran a counter every single one of you goofballs was falling over and couldn't get back in time. Stick to your assignments.

6. OC McNulty: I sincerely hope that there are other plays in the playbook besides running it up the gut and launching the ball down field into triple coverage. Please show us something else.

jenny said...

oh. my. god. i almost peed in my pants. i'm laughing out loud in my little closet that they call a room. both your commentary as well as j's are HILARIOUS and true

Amanda said...

haha your disclaimer is my favorite part. and the ever-mysterious J. Does he even exist?? haha

Tash said...

Hee hee hee! Very funny.....and a girl of my own kind!! Bless!
I hear you, all too often! Albeit for a different code of football, and on the other side of the world.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm no basketball or football fan, but as a graduate student at UNC (home of the powder blue (ahem, CAROLINA) blue and white jerseys, I am appalled at you.

UNC rocks at sports, period :-P