September 22, 2008

Guest Blog from J & G - or, Inside the Minds of 2 Male Whackos

Here is a "guest blog" from J and his attached-at-the-hip-man-lover best friend, G.  

Please keep in mind that this "submission" was sent to me at 4:18 a.m. this morning, after J&G finally returned home from a day long odyssey otherwise known as the last game at Yankee stadium.

J & G's Guest Blog

G wrote the original summary, J's additions are in italics

EDITORS NOTE:  This story was recounted for posterity at 4am after being out of the house since 11:30 AM, and one of the writers did not pee for 13 hours, which he is damn proud of, so please forgive the rambling nonsensical quality to this story, plus the main character in the story was a total mess, so it doesn't lend itself to flowery prose, it lends itself to nonsensical ramblings with no punctuation, so really this was a smart literary decision on our part that we spent a lot of time fine tuning

We are on a train from NYC back to NJ after a 13 hour day & we're lucky enough to get seats with extra leg-room (the 4-seaters).  

G are you drunk??  Were you sneaking $9.50 bud lights at the game when it took you an hour to go get a pretzel?? (which was soggy and cold, i found this to be suspicious, i guess i was right, you were pounding beers at the counter...only 2 beers for every transaction so i guess you had to get on line a few times) those seats DO NOT have extra leg room!!! (these are the two seaters that face each other on the new double decker trains, if one person sits on each side you can't sit directly across from each other if you are a reasonable sized human being because your legs will be forced to mate with those across from you)...did this stop the drunkard from sitting next to us?? NO IT DID NOT, and if he had been nice enough to be sheepish about it maybe i could've dealt with it, but no he had to act like a shmuck and gleefully plop down with his alcohol breath and shady duffel bag...DUDE WTF ARE YOU DOING IN GYM CLOTHES, WITH A DUFFEL BAG, ON A SUNDAY NIGHT DRUNK AS A SKUNK...WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?? ok back to G... 

Minutes before we leave, a disheveled 20 something carrying around a piece of luggage asks to sit with us.  I agreed because I could smell the liquor coming out of his pores & because he looked unhinged.  I had no patience left for the criminally insane after 12 hours sitting in front of 10 angry, drunk buffoons.  J & I both pretend to sleep in order to avoid any awkward pleasantries with the drunkard.  He forces us to make small talk, which included, "I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS...JERSEY IS THE BEST" When we ignored him and pretended to fall asleep he made a phone call.  

The call started with him screaming "DUDE I KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL, I WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY."  I naturally assumed he called a drinking buddy that he had seen earlier tonight.  The conversation took a very bizarre turn when the drunkard screamed, "I KNOW I WISH I COULD'VE STAYED TOO.  I MEAN, I WOULD'VE SLEPT ON THE EDGE OF THE...ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE COUCH; I DUN CARE.  LISTEN DUDE, I MEAN..WAIT WHAT? I'M GONNA JUMP OFF THE TRAIN (I assume the person jokingly invited him to come back).  BECAUSE I MET YOU I'M GONNA BE TWICE AS LONELY.  I MEAN I WAS READY TO GO HOME ANYWAY, I WAS PREPARED BUT NOW THAT I'VE MET YOU IT'S 100X HARDER." 

(G neglects to mention that this guy kept using the name killa, for us, and for the lucky broad on the other end of the phone, if anybody is a "killa" it's himi never made eye contact with this axe murderer because i didn't want him to remember my face...G also forgot that after this guy told us how much he loves jersey and he's from there and blah blah blah after we told him what town we were from (which i IMMEDIATELY regreted, and instantly started considering other north jersey suburbs i could quickly relocate to now that my place of residence was compromised) he drops a dirty jerz reference to this chick which was obviously derogatory, but then the guy remembers that we are from jersey so he says to her after a long awkward pause (when he's obviously saying it for our benefit) "oh but i do love jersey, don't get me wrong"...he's quite clearly one of those losers that lives in jersey but wishes he could be from new york

I heard a girl's voice on the other end, so it seems he just met some girl.  He's decided to profess his undying love by shouting incoherent non-sense on a train in front of a few hundred strangers.   This continued for a few more minutes.  He then shouted, "NO I MEAN, YOU WERE TOTALLY RIGHT FOR MOVIN ME AWAY WHEN MY HAND GO TOO CLOSE...WHEN I ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY TOUCHED YOUR ...(trails off to wisely avoid yelling the V word in public, good job buddy)..THREE TIMES, YEAH I MEAN ITS GOOD YOU MOVED ME AWAY 'CAUSE I DONT CARE I'D STAY ON THE COUCH".  After going back to how lonely he would be now that he's met her he said "I MEAN I COULD JUST HAVE GONE HOME AND WHATEVER WATCHED A TV PROGRAM OR SOMETHIN, OR SMOKED  OR SOMETHIN.  HEY?! DO YOU SMOKE ANYTHING? WHAT?!?! YOU'VE NEVER SMOKED POT IN YOUR LIFE?! OMG I MEAN I WON'T SMOKE WITH YOU (specifically he said "if i smoked with you, you would just start thinking real hard about what i am thinking and it wouldn't be any good"),BUT I'LL LEAVE YOU SOME AND YOU CAN SMOKE ON YOUR OWN.  OH? YOU DON'T (he actually said "oh you're a dancer?...oh you have asthma?" (i think this girl was just frantically throwing out as many excuses as she could to avoid indulging in the wacky weed, honey this is the point in the conversation where you need to cut your losses and hang up the phone)...NAH THAT'S COOL I MEAN IT'S SOMETHING I LOVE BUT I'LL JUST QUIT I DON'T EVEN CARE.  I'LL QUIT IF IT'S NOT YOUR ...NOT YOUR THING I'LL QUIT." (this was the ultimate backpedal, he was fleeing the scene of the crime so fast it was amazing, he went from being a connoseiur to being able to quit at any moment!)


(G forgot the best part of the conversation, which i will never, ever, ever forgive him for...i think from hearing this guy's end of the conversation that she was suggesting phone sex...he said something along the lines of "no, no, no i can't right now, i'm in a crowded train,no,no i can't i won't be home for,no,no i can't i have to watch my bag" (which was probably filled with bricks of illegal substances) so i really think she was suggesting phone sex and fortunately for us he showed restraint and good judgment for the first time since he got on the train...i wish that this train ride had been videotaped, it wouldn't even need editing, it would be a perfect public service announcement about what not to do, this shit would scare kids straight in an instant, CHILDREN DON'T BE THIS GUY, STAY IN SCHOOL, DON'T DO DRUGS, DON'T DRINK TO EXCESS) 

LISTEN I MEAN...NO! I GOT THESE TWO GUYS HERE WHO I MADE, WELL I ASKED OR IMPOSED SO I COULD SIT DOWN, AND THEY'RE FALLING ASLEEP BECAUSE THEY WERE AT  A BIG GAME!  NO I HAVE MY BAG...I'LL BE HOME IN AN HOUR OR TWO AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK THEN I SWEAR! I SWEAR!!!"  He hung up, moved when a seat opened up and gave me a pound because my team (who he couldn't name or recognize) had won.

i would like to thank that wacko for making my train ride home at 1:30 in the morning extremely unbearable and extremely bearable all at once, it was a beautiful mess...and with that i am going to bed, goodnight

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