If I overdwell on this it
can’t be helped: love is important and the reasons you get it or fail to are
important. The number of women in my generation who in retrospect anyone will
apply the term “great love” to, in any connection, is going to be minute. I
needed to know I had a chance here. Love is strenuous. Pursuing someone is
strenuous. What I say is if you find yourself condemned to wanting love, you
have to play while you can play … What was moving me was the feeling of being
worth someone’s absolute love, great love, even. And to me this means male love
whether I like it or not. C’est ca. Here I am, there I was. I don’t know if
getting love out of a man is more of a feat of strength now than it used to be
or not, expect that I do: it is. It’s hideous. It’s an ordeal beyond speech.
When I’m depressed I feel like what was meant by one of his favorite
quotations: A bitter feast was steaming hot and a mouth must be found to eat
it. Men are like armored things, mountainous assemblages of armor and leather,
masonry even, which you are told will self-dismantle if you touch the right
spot, and out will flow passionate attention.
- Mating by Norman Rush
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