I wanted to laugh more, I wanted to show more loving-kindness, and I also wanted to be more enthusiastic. I knew that it wasn't nice to criticize - but it was fun. Why was it so deliciously satisfying to criticize? Being critical made me feel more sophisticated and intelligent - and in fact, studies show that people who are critical are often perceived to be more discerning... Being critical has its advantages, and what's more, it's much easier to be hard to please. Although enthusiasm seems easy and undiscriminating, in fact, it's much harder to embrace something than to disdain it. It's riskier.
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For example, one evening, as part of a surprise birthday party for a close friend, we went to a Barry Manilow concert, because my friend loves Barry Manilow. Afterward, I reflected that it showed considerable strength of character to be such a Barry Manilow fan. After all, Barry Manilow is...well, Barry Manilow. It would be so much safer to mock his music, or to enjoy it in an ironic, campy way, than to admire it whole heartedly as she did. Enthusiasm is a form of social courage.
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I wanted to embrace this kind of zest. I steeled myself to stop making certain kinds of unnecessarily negative statements: "I really don't feel like going," "The food was too rich," "There's nothing worth reading in the paper." Instead, I tried to look for ways to be sincerely enthusiastic.
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Giving positive reviews requires humility. I have to admit, I missed the feelings of superiority that I got from using puncturing humor, sarcasm, ironic asides, cynical comments, and cutting remarks. A willingness to be pleased requires modesty and even innocence--easy to deride as mawkish and sentimental.
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Once I started trying to give positive reviews, though, I began to understand how much happiness I took from the joyous ones in my life--and how much effort it must take for them to be consistently good-tempered and positive. It is easy to be heavy; hard to be light. We nonjoyous types suck energy and cheer from the joyous ones; we rely on them to buoy us with their good spirit and to cushion our agitation and anxiety. At the same time, because of a dark element in human nature, we're sometimes provoked to try to shake the enthusiastic, cheery folk out of their fog of illusion--to make them see that the play was stupid, the money was wasted, the meeting was pointless. Instead of shielding their joy, we blast it. Why is this? I have no idea. But that impulse is there.
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
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